It’s the most stress-a-ful tiiiiiiime of the yeaaaaaaar! At least if, like me, you are dead inside and hate the “holiday” “season".” 🙃🙃🙃
Real talk: I’m barely holding it together, but also I’m completely fine? Like, I feel stress and anxiety in my brain but not my body? I don’t know, maybe I’m just really good at disassociating now.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately, more than usual, but in a way that doesn’t send me into a spiral of complete and utter melancholy, so. That’s new!
I’ve been thinking about how the last few years of actual crushing depression took me so far away from myself and how much closer I am to being myself again. But this time better, and maybe also hotter?
I’ve been considering the idea that life requires actual effort, which seems like something I should have already known, but I guess I wasn’t really thinking about it. Friendships require tending, actualization requires patience, and so on and so forth.
I’ve been worrying that since I’m not as spiral-y, I won’t have anything to write about here anymore, but also I promised myself that I would do this for a year, so I will probably figure out a new angle in 2023. Besides, who knows? Perhaps this feeling of being mentally sound will be fleeting.
I’ve been thinking about optimism, and how I feel more optimistic lately, and how that feels weird. Optimism is a good thing probably, but I simply do not have the temperament for it. I’m genuinely concerned that I’m going to become profound and hopeful and rosy, which goes against the brand I’ve established for myself: moody and misanthropic. A cynical little ogre baby. You know?
Anyway, those are just some thoughts I’m thinking. I am otherwise, as per usual, brain empty. Mostly I’m fixating on being stressed about traveling for the holidays, so that’s taking up basically all the space in my mind grapes. That and like, the question of what the hell I’m going to eat for dinner.
Anyway, happy holidays to those who celebrate, and also probably happy new year because I honestly don’t see me writing another one of these lil’ bitches until January.
LOVE YOU, MEAN IT. R